Kesenai Tsumi -- Inerasable Sin

Journey of never-ends

2011-09-05T00:37:00.001-07:00

Time can make one learn.
Time can make one forget.

Yet time too, can prove.

A rest, is for a greater journey ahead.

But even so, the heart has died.
So much so, no matter how much time has passed, learning can never be.

When you have been bound once, you'll fear.
And once you are free, you'll never want to be bounded again.

Thus, perhaps I have had made up my mind all the while without realizing it at all.

Once again, I didn't chose to walk away.
Because I had never moved.

Planes

2010-05-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

To connect what was once impossible through the means of thing it was meant to close.

Distance.

We are all tired, of this never-ending story.

We laugh; we smile.

Trying so hard to hide the fact that we are still drowning.

But swim, we cannot.

Pity?

We're not searching for it.

The scars of mistrust inflicted; the seeds of no-return.

The guilt and the lost of all emotions other than these of hatred.

Who are we kidding, when we put on this facade?

So tired of it all, but what would be left of us if all were to be given up?

My walls are crumbling, but no one can see it nor understand it.

The ones who walked this path can't deny the feelings within them.

Because it is this, that the bonds of fate were forged.

And that, of unexplainable feelings.

Hence, I will trust my back to you.

Voice

2010-03-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

Do not speak just to be heard.

Foolish, pathetic humans.

Your feeble actions hold no meaning.

Did you think, that by acting, you would have the world at your feet?

Did you think, that by wanting, you would get everything you want as and when you wanted?

It is such feelings, that makes me hate people like you so much.

So much so, this eternal damnation of hatred will thus never dissipate away.

Am I simply too harsh on myself, harping on emotions that would get me no where?

But even so, this is how I chose to become. No. I have always been this way.

Since the day that you met me, since the day that you started to know me, I have always been as such.

I have no friends. I cannot have friends.

My pride is my everything.

This is my voice.

Your actions for control, your actions to lead, your actions to demand...

You cannot take my heart away.

Because I never had one.

The day that I lost my heart, it never returned.

Try as I might to pick up the shattered pieces, to seek back a heart, I can only choose the path to run away instead.

It may be the past. It may be over. It may never come again.

But the scars that are left, unexplainable to me and even more so to others.

I want to let this out. But I know, there is a reason that I'm holding back.

And hence, before the day that I can truly understand, whereupon it may be on my death bed,

I will continue to lead this way of life with my pride and walk my path with my own strength.

Do not attempt to lead me, do not attempt to control me, do not attempt to think you are faring better than me.

Your efforts, your worth, your value, aren't yours to begin with. You bought everything with money.

You think money would be the solution to everything.

But there is only so much you can bring into the grave with you.

Horizons broadened? No, in the end, you can only merely see the sky that reaches as far as your eyes can see.

You cannot feel, the truly dangerous feelings, nor can you feel, the forbidden feelings.

You live in your own world. No matter how far your feet may take you.

As am I, living in mine. My own world of shattered pieces.

But I know, in this world of mine, this world of nothingness...

My voice, my pride, belongs to me. And will be heard.

No one may hear me, no one may care about me, no one may bother.

But at least, I can hear myself.

And that's all that matters.

My voice. I doubt you can hear it.

May the time you realized, not be too late for you to seek for your own voice.

Death; Night

2010-03-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

I will not question.

No.

I do not want to question.

It is marvelous, to view how humans treat one another.

Particularly when one has cease to be of use.

Ah, humanity. What is this that we speak of, when you are frankly no different from animals?

My choice, lies in here.

I will go no where, change no way, and stay, not because I do not have the ability to do so, but because should those who lost their way want to find a way back, I hope, to be the beacon guiding them back.

Hope. Such a foolish notion, and yet it's all that I can rely on.

For those who only have things coming their way when they want it, you'll never understand what is the will to live.

You'll never understand, the pain of sufferings.

And you'll never understand, how those who thought they have gotten rid of the chains, are actually sinking beneath the weight of it.

How ironic. The heart in disarray, beckons to return to where the chains started.

The cycle of never-ending questioning, and never once getting an answer. Perhaps that's where my place should be?

But would you know?

No.

Do you want to know?

Ah. What a silent night. Bring forth my judgement for sinking deep within these sins from time once again.

My gift to you

2010-01-29T07:45:00.000-08:00

Over time, I thought about it.

There's no point in me wanting to be in your world.

Hence, I won't even bother to try and get into your world.

For one, I never did want to be in your world.

I had a choice; but I chose to give it up.

It is not because of the reason that I said it was, although everyone chose to believe in it.

Perhaps, this is the world of mine; my AB world. The world where no one should ever know what I really mean.

To see others wanting into your world to the point of disregarding my existence, I'm contented.

Don't think that I have changed. I never change.

It is merely you who is changing, merely you who is accepting, merely you who is embracing the change.

Six years ago...I haven't forgotten what I had promised to do.

Hence, I will keep doing it. For as long as I can.

I do not know what celebrations are; do not care for it is.

Though I wish you well in the days and months to come, I do not know how to say good bye.

Do I want to see you again? I do not know. For now, I am not in your world.

And I do not expect you to understand and be in my world. Because if you do, you would already know what I mean when I say it.

Do I need the company from you, because I will cease to exist on my own?

Don't be too full of yourself. You never did know me.

I have walked this path alone from the very beginning. I am alone.

Henceforth, I will just continue on my path; my own way.

Lost

2009-02-22T10:28:00.000-08:00

Once again, it is the cold and the dark that brings out the deepest in our hearts.

The noise around me, scares me.

I cannot deny the fact that I cannot face the crowd around me;
Cannot deny the fact their senseless chatter scares me.

As I continue to search my fallen pieces, I have finally realized.
What's lost is lost, and forever won't come back.

And hence, now I stand before myself, as the obstacle that I pose to myself.

I can no longer feel.
Even as I speak, even as I act, even if they mean something...

They don't mean anything to me.

Why do I laugh? Why do I smile?
Why do I act as though I am carefree?

Right now, I do not have the answers.

Ironic. I don't have the answers once more.

Perhaps closing my eyes and ignoring all there is will bring a end to everything.
Perhaps hiding my ears behind my headphones and being in my world will be all there is.

Perhaps. Once more.

I have grown tired.
I am tired.

But you can't see it.

And it is exactly because of that...

That I hate you.

Your world doesn't have me. That's why you can't see.
That's why, don't ever include me in your world.

For I am the lost soul who's existence isn't lost.

The world's just a game

2009-01-20T07:44:00.000-08:00

Never have I ever thought, I would revisit here once more.
Never thought I would revisit the graves of the past which should be long buried by the sands of time.

The winds never do understand, do they?
That what should stay buried, stays buried.

I wonder alot these two years, even if I have finally awoken from what seem like a dream.
But has my dream ended? I do not know.

Maybe it hasn't.

This may be the beginning again.

Many things have happened.
Many people have walked in and out of my life.
Everyone has their fair share of ups and downs.

But right now, this very moment, I really crave for death.
And yet, immortality at the same exact time.

You may not understand why, and probably never in time to come.
I have lost my senses, lost my soul, lost my self.

Lost my entity.

I want to take back what I have lost.
To the extent that I wish to go back, and capture the moments that stole it all.
Before the stroke of destruction strikes, I wish to rake up the past.

I just want to stay here and watch the sky once more.

Why can't I just lie here and watch it?
Why does the sky seem to grow further and further away from me?

I can feel no longer. No matter how hard I push myself to react.

No one will watch the sky with me. They're all too busy.
Like the wings on the birds, everyone has thoroughly left.

I guess I should feel bliss. Since it was what I hoped for years ago.

But even so.

Would you watch the sky with me?

Let time stop now. And in doing so, let me be the devil who never ages.

In return, let my emotions which I have traded be paid for in full.

For sorrow, pain, and all eternity.

Forget. Just stay by my side.

And we shall watch the clouds once more.

Show me

2007-12-03T06:43:00.000-08:00

Move on.

Or not to move on?

Sometimes, deaths make me think, about the forgotten manuscript.

How thanks to it everything came together and yet apart.

Yet, know not of the dead I do, am I feeling triumph from the curse I left?

Or I am saddened?
Or ashamed of them?
Or utterly afraid of what I have done?

Endless rain of tears and sorrows. Brought what have you to this foolish world?

Scary crimson sky. Bring forth thy fear in people's hearts?

Doubt & Trust

2007-11-07T03:11:00.000-08:00

小さいの祈り.

But no one's there again.
The moon...since when did it got so big and close?

The dandelions seeds gently fly about in the breeze.
As the rain drops falls off the leaves.

The steaming mug of coffee left the imprint on the papers.
The clear night sky with the stars shining bright.

No stars for me.

Many a time, I wonder why trust had to come even though the doubt will always be there.
Many a time, the past comes to haunt like a faded chapter of a manuscript.

Perhaps it is time to let loose.

Rainy season once more

2007-10-27T05:38:00.000-07:00

Vexed.

Of course, since when is that not the case?

The rainy season has began once more.

The fact of the past, inerasable as it is, surfaced. Torment.
I don't look back. Because the lines have been blurred.
Yet...I can't place a finger on what is this feeling again.

The pure feeling of helplessness.
The need for someone to set me free.

I thought, I was the key holder to my cage...But I guessed I was wrong.

Where have I lost myself, along this path to myself?

The rainy season, is the season of tears and sadness and goodbyes.

All I ask of you

2007-08-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

The night again. Marvelous as it stands in its velvet cloak.

The heart shudders in thought. Is it really cold? I don't know.

After all, I never felt anything since that day.

Tonight, I cleared a little of my past. Other days when I do, it doesn't bother me.
I recall the past. How I laugh. No one remembers me any more.

Ironic. What part do we play in people's life?
Everyone seem so happy, seem so fine with their life and their choices.
And me? I basked in eternal hatred.

It was probably the wisest choice to forget who I am.
Why recall? Honestly, because I'm just a single soul out of millions there are in this world.

The heart shudders again. Have what I just said frighten the self?

I don't like people to tell the truth. Humans, to tell the truth.

Cold, bitter, full of themselves...That's life I guess, but who wants to know?

Another shudder.

I fear death, to tell the very truth. Fear it to its very root.
Yet I yearn to die, but don't want to die because I want to accomplish something.
Not to look for love, nor even hope to be loved in return.
But to seek the reason, for the existence as we all are. Why do we say we love, when we like? Say like, when we love?

Where do we draw the line for anything?

For now, all I ask of you, is to remember me. Before I change.

At least.

Angel

2007-02-22T21:32:00.000-08:00

What or who exactly is an angel?

I began asking myself so.

Yet, I'll never know, because everyone would simply say that such pure beings never exist at all in the first place.
Sometimes, I really laugh, because I feel like a fool.
There's no such things as kindess in this world. People would just use you over and over and over again.
No one cares about what you think, no one bothers about how you feel.

Everyone simply thinks for themselves and live for themselves.

Who's there to see the tears? Who's there to hear the sobs?
No one is willing to make themself sad just because someone is.
No one is willing to listen to what others say because they exist for themselves and are always the most important being alive on this planet.

Everyone just simply treats others like trash because they are far more important then others.

I'm just an immature little kid.
No love, no respect, no form of emotions needed from me.
I don't see the importance in importance of a person. I don't see the importance of having the whole world love you when you are not capable of performing to deserve the love that others will give.

But sadly, the works of others will always be exploited by some people to be theirs and not the original owners.

Maybe we should all just be idiots, forevermore and ever and ever.
Just like all you others.

The heart never beats

2006-10-26T10:36:00.000-07:00

Never say you know me well, because you don't.
Never say you think you know me, because you don't.
Never say I'm just a little girl, because I'm not.

I have become so malicious, I'm truly savouring it.
Even if it may come with a price that I know so well of.

Fear never rings out any more. I have forgotten what it is.
My main aim in existence is to merely despise and hate, to succeed and busk in the failures of others.

I have become the shadow of a human's heart. I do not know what feelings are.

You may think you've won the battle by ousting me, but do not think that way.
I have seen the world more that you have lived, even if you ARE older than me.
I have known hatred, known malicious intent, known death so well, people your age and mine won't.

I'm not alive and not dead. I exist in the world of "nu".

This is my challenge to you. This is my hatred for you.
I will live for myself, live by myself and for no one else, and you won't get to me.
You won't need to know me, won't need to understand me, you merely just need to walk to your death.
Pursuing the whatever dreams you have, trampling upon my feelings.

I will bite back now, and hard, I will put on this facade of emotions as I lure you in.
But I will tell you, you do not know the me beneath. Because you can never feel like me.

Because you're not me.

And hence, my heart will never beat, because it will not show compassion to you.
Back stabber.

Time-less

2006-05-13T06:25:00.000-07:00

There's nothing to be angry about.

Nor is there anything to be sad about.

Yet, what is this strange feeling that I'm feeling now?
This strange indescribable feeling for overwhelming sadness and undescrible hatred.
Do I really hate? I dunno. I'm being to doubt myself.

The me so long ago...Would never apologize after a outburst.
But the me now...I apologize.
The me then never like to admit defeat.
The me now? Simply accepts defeat.

There's so much of me that has changed over the years.
Yet, no one seems to have noticed at all.
Do I want to continue being that same person in their eyes forever more?

Perhaps so. Because that's the me that is the most carefree.
And yet, the person that stands before them now, is actually a person who have began to thoroughly hate.

I don't feel like trusting anyone anymore.
Not because they have hurt me, but because I fear the pain that may come with them from trust.
It's a wonder, really, why I continue to hold them so dear to my heart.
When I have gave up all there was in reality.

I want to escape forever in that realm, where I can be the same carefree person again.
I don't want to be bogged down with all these hopes and expectations and all.
Do you see my pain? Do you see my worth?

I don't know what there is to feel anymore.
Should I feel glad, that you acknowledged my diginity and respect?
Or should I feel hatred towards you, for allowing other to throw away their dignity and all and also encouraged them to do more of it?

I hate to say all of this, but yes, I still do care about the final results.
Not because they are worth alot in this screwed up society, but because you allowed them to be on equal footing as I am.
I despise it. For these are the people who cannot climb up with their own strength.

So why? Why aid them? This is a world where the strongest survives and the weaks die.
Time will not tell anything. Not when you allowed them the upper hand.

Where am I to stand, when you gave them my place?

2 weeks till exams.

I hate you.

If you haven't changed your mind...

2006-03-15T08:25:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder...

If I had changed my mind then...

Would every thing be as painful as it is now?

Sometimes I wonder...

If I had not changed my mind, but continued down this path the way they did...

Would I feel happier?

Tonight, the stars shine bright once more. And my light is still on at such as time.
Everyone is in bed. And I am supposed to be too.
But as I think about it, I don't feel like sleeping any more.
I have lost many things, lost many experiences, lost many memories...
I am willing to give up my sleep, to look for them again.
Then again, this is never possible. For nothing is.

I ain't sure anymore. What's there for me to see already?
One thing's for sure though...

I want to be with everyone again.

I don't want to be lonely anymore. But as I reach out, I get hurt once more.
I cannot trust.

I have forgotten how to trust.

Each time, I give out my heart, what I get in return is usage.
Each time, I give out my feelings, what I get in return in sadness.

Who's willing to give me their hand and led me out of this valley?

Yet, even if I have to be here, deep down the Earth, I am glad.
I have found people whom I want to continue knowing.
I don't want this feeling to die off again.

Would you let me live, because I never lived?

Silent Night

2006-02-23T08:33:00.000-08:00

As the world enters slumber land, here I am, awake.
Haunted by the past, the present and the future.
Haunted, by the fact of my mere existence.

The beauty of life...never did appear to me.

Or perhaps it did. In bringing to me, people who I wanted to protect.

Yet, I am the one in need of protecting.
But no one will protect me.
Forever, all over again, I'm drowning in my own despairs.
Drowning in myself.

The pain, has resurfaced.
The hatred, of the distrust, has resurfaced.
The need, to revert back, beckons.

But if I were to revert back, I would lose, who I am to you.
And you, who I proved to be so precious to me, should never see the other side of me.
The side, where only the darkest of all would see.

I want you, to live in eternal bliss.
And want myself to acheive that too.
But after a while, I guess I will have to be contented.

In being who I shouldn't be. And a hateful person.
Who, will never ever trust anyone again.

Because all promises are empty promises.

Crimson Sorrows

2005-12-28T03:05:00.000-08:00

A year, is at its end.

Blue sky darkening with a pink tinge.

I ran my fingers gently across the keyboard, but not typing at all; ran my fingers gently across the desktop, etching lines against the wooden surface.

Memories were what that kept me alive. Should I continue to embrace them?

The year's event has put me thinking, a whole lot that I used to think.
But this time, there's no bitterness, no resentment, no hatred.
But what's left is helplessness, sadness, regret.

I had started out then, with no hopes for anything big.
More or less, I had started out in fear.
Yet, what I received, were more than what I expected.

I got something big in return.
But no fear.
I got something memorable in return.
And it came with happiness.

Who stands in the skies?
Not me for certain. And no one else.
But does that matter?

No it doesn't. Only those who walk the surface of this planet does.
I've learnt alot, though through a simple month.
So much, that people leading those normal lives of theirs will never understand.

I should not feel sad anymore, about the hatred that spun 4 years.
Because it happened for a reason. And what's of the end, matters alot to me.
I should not feel sad now, with the end of a year and the possible end of it all.
Because I am honoured, to be with them.

God may be unfair to me in some ways, yet, I'm still in his eyes.
To be protected, to be loved, despite losing the love over and over.
To be known, to be held, to be respected.
Not by Him, but by others. Even though I despised who I was.

I'll never walk down the same path. Never want to again.

Because you people led me to see, what I never meant to see.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart, Gotei 13+.

The rain never fails to amaze me

2005-09-04T13:00:00.000-07:00

Never mind me.

Or so he thought.

There I was, in pain.

And I couldn't care less if I was cold, rude or bitter.

I beckon, for a ray of judgement.
And I got it. For the sky answered my call.

The first drops hit my face, like tears trickling down.
I softened up after that.

I never did understand, why the rain always exist to clear the sins of mankind.
Or to apologize for their wrong-doings.
Or, to comfort me whenever I'm hurt.

The rain should never have needed to do all these.
Because its the humans that are the one in wrong.

Yet, these are the ignorant animals that leave others to clear up the faults they have done.

It saddens me, that such animals still call themselves civilised.
Because they aren't.

It is, afterall, the rainy season.
The season that cleanse mankind of their sins.

But do they ever know they are in the wrong?

NO.

I'll never win the battle of words when up against a bunch of guys.
I have never won to start with.
Yet, they are in the wrong to begin with.
They, have never understood the whole situation to even start with.
Hence, they are biting their own tails in the end.

But the words...Tenshi never liked them. But Nanashi did.

I rather be dead off.

5 more days to the official deathday once more. That marks 17 years being dead.
Amen.

And then, I said good-bye...

2005-08-05T21:12:00.000-07:00

I sigh.

Perhaps for years to come, I will never understand just what I'd done.

Just simply, I had said good-bye. To my past, to me myself, to the future to come.

It never fails to amaze me, the beauty that the sky holds.
Yet, there's no one to share it with because I'm always the only one who's looking at the sky.

To see the clouds and the birds that drift on by.
To see the past that I had once had fly on by.
To see the future that I've grasp in my hands starting to fade away...

To see, the tiredness within myself starting to seep out in much larger amounts than before.

I've never felt that I deserve to be friends with anyone.
I've never felt that I should be myself in the end.
Because all in all, I'm never treated to be me in the end.
Because I'm always denied of existence.
And because of that, I am lost.

Lost in my own world of amazement and wonderment.
Lost in my own world of foolishness and sadness.
Lost in my own world of self-denial and torment.
Lost in my own world of death.

The wishes you'd made to her, puts a light smile on my face.
Yet, so what?
These are your wishes to her, which I don't need to hear of.
Yet, you are happily telling me to share your happiness with me.
Am I just all but a listening ear? So what about my feelings right?

Who's to hear my sadness from my POV?
Who's to try and understand how I feel from my POV?
Who's to know, that I've been through so much torment to get here?

No one, because no one can relate to me.
No one, because they can only brush my feelings away.

And thus, I'm started to change once more.
To become a Hollow instead.

No tears, no tiredness shown, no happiness.

Only traces of happy-go-lucky attitude.
Only traces of insanity.
Only traces of...

Non-existence.

I will never look at people in the eye once more.
Because I fear what they see.
I will never be truthful as to who I really am in character.
Because no one will understand me in the end.

And thus, I have to continue on being always there for others.
While in the end, there's no one being there for me.
To those who asked of me, the concern I needed isn't merely just that.
Because you have never understood me.
Never ever.

Hence, as the clouds roll on by, I will sit and smile.

As the rain continues to pelt on down...

Closed eyes

2005-07-07T00:03:00.000-07:00

Words really fail me this time.

I really don't know what's there to say.

Never have I felt so frustrated at myself.

Never ever.

Yet today, I am feeling just this frustrated and sad about myself.

Where has my motivation gone?

I want to continue smiling as I walk on my path till the end of it, but who's there to understand that smile of mine anymore? I'd decided, you just don't understand the meaning for friends.

I'm just a meer passer-by in your heart. And you source of information.

Why did you ever walked into my life in the first place?

Its 10 more days to the first aniversary. Did you know that? I have 3 months more now, and I'm not going to waste any time I have left. While you can continue to whine and feel self-pity for yourself, I've decided to walk on and carry on from where I have left myself off long ago.

"There's a star in everyone of us, just like an apple."

Hence, from this day forth, that shall be my motivation and my target.

For the teacher that I love so dearly, thanks for suddenly popping back into my mind and allowing me to remember you once more and your words.

I will not linger. I will walk away.

Because I don't want to have regrets. Neither do I have anything left of for me to protect.

I, am all that matters now.

Who's to care?

2005-06-03T01:30:00.000-07:00

For one day last week, I was left alone. Although its uncomfortable to be alone, I somehow felt free, though sad. For one, I had began to lose sight of what I set out for. So much so, I begin to wonder, just where am I headed to from here on.

I don't know.

Again, I question my existence over and over again. Again, I have no answers. Again, I am all alone after all.

The feeling of coldness, envelopes over me once more.

I don't know how long I can continue to keep my sanity.

Because along the way, I am hurt over and over. Yet, no one will hear my pain. Because no one cares to, even though they keep saying they would. No one will ever want to know, because they simply think I'm foolish or just nit-picking.

I, have left my past behind me after a struggle and continue to walk forth. However, this path I walk, no longer has anyone walking together with me.

Where were you when I needed you most? Where were you when I wanted to be close to you? Where were you when I wanted comfort from you?

I never wanted to be alive in the first place, never wanted to be a human, because humans are just mere foolish creatures. They will never understand many things, because they think they all just simply almighty. I hate this, hate it to the core, hate it so ever much that I simply just want to stab myself and die. Not because I think I'm almighty, but because I am running away with lies over and over again.

I cannot face myself, because I do not understand.
I cannot face myself. because I do not WANT to understand.

I'm running away, because I don't wish to be hurt. But as I run, I am still being hurt again. Emotionally.

Why can't you just hurt me physically and be done with it?
Why can't you just simply cut or stab me rather than just continue on with your words?

I can only smile, because you won't regconize my pain. You can't even align yourself to understand me. Because you are always in bliss, the favoured child of God.

While I, am merely the forsaken child. The cursed and the devil.

I wish you best of luck forever more.
I wish you best of luck in your future.
I wish you best of luck in everything.

But who's there to give me the support and the luck when I most need it? No one except myself.

On this never ending path, I have to face it alone. There's no one to walk it down together with me.

Even if you now say you would, it still can't be done. The paths we chose are different right from the start when we chose where we were headed to.

I will continue to smile, as I walk on. I will continue to smile, as I witness your happiness. I will continue to smile, and comfort you when you are feeling down.

But who's there to comfort me when I needed it most? No one can even understand when it is that I'm feeling sad anymore.

I'm never seen.

When I weep, who's there to understand? You will simply brush it off as me cursing you inside. I'm not, I will never curse in my heart from the day I suffered injustice one year back. I will tell you straight in the face.

When I laugh, who's there to understand that I'm really meaning it? You will just merely think I do mean it, when I don't.

No one will understand me because they are not me. Why else would I be able to spot simple evidence and be able to deduce out things? Why else would I be able to be critical of things, even though it does not applies to me? Why else would I be able to offer comfort and assurance, when things does not even concern me?

I do this, because I see no need for another person to be feeling what I'm feeling now. I do this, because I see no need for another person to suffer as I am suffering now. I do this...

Because I want eternal happiness for you.

Do you know my pain?
Do you know my intentions?
Do you know my sufferings?
Do you even understand me?

Stop nodding your head and saying that you understand everything. Stop patting me and telling me that you understand what I'm going through. You don't! YOU DON'T! Why can't you just get it? Why can't you just understand? Why can't you just take some time off and listen to me? Stop saying that "As long as you speak, I will listen"! You never did wanted to hear me in the first place, so why is it that you are saying this ironic line to me now? Why is it that you can't just shut up?!

So much tears, so much emotions, so much pain. So much for living. So much for being alive.

I, ironically, don't want to die. I want to seek revenge for the injustice done to me. Although I tell others that revenge goes in a circle and can never end, I still want to venture out and tread on this path. Eternal pain can never be felt by you, because you have a good life. Treasure those you care and love, and forget this hatred-filled person of me.

Did you know that I wanted to forget you entirely?
Did you know that I always avoided looking at others directly in the eye?
Did you know that I never wanted to look at others in the eye, even you?

Have you ever wondered why?

Of course you don't.

Have you ever wondered, why my personality on and offline are different?

Of course you don't. You think I'm the same throughout.

Times have changed, so have I. But to you, I haven't.

I have changed, so please stop treating me like you used to in the past. You are only hurting me with events of the past, the memories which I treasured so dear to me.

Just...go away. Please. Don't ever let me see you again.

Go away...

Broken Wings

2005-05-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

Broken Wings

I know this will not remain
Forever
However it's beautiful
Your eyes, hands and your warm smile
They're my treasure
It's hard to forget
I wish there was a solution
Don't spend your time in confusion
I'll turn back now and spread
My Broken Wings
Still strong enough to cross the ocean with
My Broken Wings
How far should I go drifting in the rain?
Higher and higher in the light (My Broken Wings...)
Still strong enough to cross the ocean with
My Broken Wings
How far should I go drifting in the rain?
Across the sky just keep on
Flying...
[Sora kara ochitekuru no wa]
[Are wa ame dewa nakute]

Again, I'm all alone. Even though I've begin to become a follower rather than a leader, I'm still all alone. To you, I'm of no existence, thus, why should I even be your friend in the first place?

I have no idea.

Perhaps for eternity to come, I will still not have an answer.

Never, have I been so afraid of myself. The insanity and the hatred. The darkness, so deep, so profound that I've no idea what it really is. The words, so many of them, left unspoken. The eyes, once shining with life, now dull with hatred and despair.

Who, have I become into?

So many feelings, so many thoughts, so many unspoken words... Who's there to hear me out? The cheerful nature, the happy words, as usual, did you really think that's me?

You're wrong. So wrong.

If you can't even bother to understand, can't even bother to acknowledge that I'm still in existence, why, why did you even bother to speak to me, to make me your friend? A friend isn't one where you can just junk aside because you have found new friends. A friend isn't one that you look for ONLY when you have problems that you can't solve. A friend...

Is more than that. Yet, seemingly, your definition differs from me.

So many theories, so many excuses, so many lies... Why can't you just tell me in the face? Why go through such extent to bring across such nonsense?

Just say so. Admit it, you bastard.

We're all tormented souls, deep with hatred within ourselves. Yet, we do not show them out. Instead, we put on the mask of happiness, drowning ourselves with lies of happiness. Even though we show that face, it doesn't mean that we're strong at heart.

We're not. Never.

We're just drifters, drifting and drifting.

Why do you think we live in our own fantasy world? Why, do you think that we stick together?

Because we are comfort to each other. But, we are still outcasts of the society. Because no one will understand what we think. No one at all.

Instead, we will only be wronged, ignored, hated.

We're not gods or goddesses in expressing ourselves. That's because you were the one who don't allow us to bear our true feelings out. As such, we can only escape within ourselves, since no one bothers to draw us out.

Those snow-white wings of yours, will never be tainted like ours. The blood-red and tattered wings.

You, will always be the angel. And us, the devils.

That's why, I never admit that I'm alive.

Reverting back

2005-04-17T16:44:00.000-07:00

I closed my eyes. Real tight.

And then, I looked up at the sky, and opened up my eyes.

Crystal clear and blue. Happiness.

Yet, I couldn't smile. Because I knew, somewhere deep within me, some things aren't answered yet, thus, till the day I receive the answer, perhaps, I will never be able to smile again.

A smile, that is meant truly from my heart.

Even though the surroundings have changed, I can still never let go of myself. Instead, I'm being tormented over and over within myself. Simply because I know the reason of being alone.

So much so, it hurts me to even try and be close to others.

When others speak freely and friendly, I can only watch and smile, saying nothing else. The sadness within my eyes is never seen, because no one understands them. Silence prevails over me, even if so many years have passed. Comrades in arms have left, one by one, and even those who are still living in the same surrounding as me aren't close any more.

You were the one who chose to let go, not me. So, why are you acting like the person who's hurt?

Didn't you even notice that each and every time that I wanted to speak with you, you were the one who turned your back against me and continued with your conversation with others? Each time I silently waited, yet, I was never considered to be of existence. Thus, if that's the case, who's the lonely one here?

Go on. Go ahead. Leave me.

I can only live in eternal sadness. That's why I'd always chose to be alone. Yet, no one has seen through my mask. Instead, your only assumptions are that I'm quiet and unfriendly.

Have you even tried to see through the pain I've been through? Have you even tried to see the anguish that I have drowned myself within? Have you even taken the minimal time to ask how I feel?

I don't think so...

All it takes is a simple sentence: "Don't feel sad." to calm me down. All it takes is a few simple seconds to comfort me.

That's why, in my life, I feel proud, to know that at least there's comfort out there.

To Nat, I thank you for your hugs. Thanks to them, at least I know, I can still feel loved.
To Taku, I thank you for taking time off to just ask me how I feel. You'd made my day feel great.

Even if others laughed at me for being silly, I do not mind. Instead, I will only smile gently back. There's things that no one will ever understand, because they aren't me.

That's why, they can never understand the meaning of my mask. Neither will they understand why I love the greenery outside or the reason for treasuring my discman.

Because its only because of these, that I can thoroughly cry out in my heart.

I'm never strong. I admit it. Then again, who will care about what I say?

When will I ever be able to smile again?

Who's willing to tell me?

Do you know, why I even put myself as the most important person to myself? Let me guess, based your ignorant mind: You think I'm damn full of myself.

No. You are mistaken. Now and forever, you will always be mistaken by me. But even so, I shall continue to let you think the way you would like to think. It doesn't matter really.

My only objective of living, is so as not to let others be like me.

Hence, I will do what I can in my utmost ability to comfort others.

Yet, who's going to comfort me entirely? To hear me cry, hear me curse, hear me laugh?

Silence. That's what that will take my hand and lead me away from all these madness.

Thus, I will continue to be the me back in the past.

Till the day that I will be happy once again, will this blog cease to exist entirely.

Because I'm always drowning in my sin. The inerasable sin.

Blood-soaked hands never smelt this good

2005-01-27T08:24:00.000-08:00

Prayers.

In the death of the night, prayers ring out, silent, and not spoken.

Prayers, praying and hoping for the best for those everywhere.

Yet, some people just don't deserve such prayers.

So much so, prayers are wasted.

But do not fret, my friend, for these aren't really wasted.

Instead, they are a curse. To those who never knew they were so blessed to have others praying for their well-being.

Because they will never understand the real meaning behind those words of blessing, for they are so full of themselves.

"She who should be shot, should be left to rot. Amen."

Interestingly enough, we, those whom Gods have forsaken and forgotten, can never have enough reign over the curse of others. That, is because we were never evil to begin with. However, we will never be evil just to prove our point.

It's stupid, to kill our morals and integrity for the sake of you poor idiotic souls.

Therefore you, shall be your own death.

"Birds of a feather, flock together."

Idiots like you will never mix with others of different personalities except that of yours. Thus, you will only be trapped in your own world, swimming in your own thoughts of happiness.

Happiness? You must be kidding right? Because you will only be faced with illusions.

Roam, free as you think you are, but foolishness will bring you back down to Earth. Your every move and every word is observed and noted, deep behind the shadows.

And now, you will be killed.

There are many ways to ruin a person, though it seems you know all the ways. Tough luck though, you don't, because you are a mere idiot.

Pitiful? Nah, you deserve it alright.

If you were to stand in front of me the next time, I will inflict pain on you.

Don't worry, call on your other friends to help you if you want, but trust me, I wouldn't leave a trace of evidence anywhere. Instead, I will get others on my side to prove my innocence.

Despicable? No, you are the despicable one, for you were the one who bit me first.

It's time I take my revenge. I will make it a sweet experience for me, and a bitter one for you.

You know what? You are a major disgrace to your ancestors. Because you think you are so high-class, you have forgotten your roots. You know nothing much of your mother tongue nor your dialect.

Sad...

Beginning and Ending

2005-01-15T01:00:00.000-08:00

A new year has started...

A new beginning.

My life revolves around me and myself only nowadays.

I, am glad. Because through this way, at least people will forget about me and go on with their new lives. I'm no longer a burden to anyone anymore.

Interestingly though, I'm not depressed nor suicidal in any way at all.

Again, some one 'betrayed' me. I've not replied to her message in any way, because I'm just wasting my own time in the end. Instead, I deleted it without a second thought. I don't need her as a friend anyway. In fact, I do not need anyone to be my friend.

I've forgotten what it was to be happy or sad anyway.

Whatever feelings that I show each day on my face, I ain't even sure if I'm truly feeling that way after all.

That's because I've learnt not to show my true feelings out, because I fear...

I fear I would be hurt once more.

Yesterday, I handed over a letter which I wrote personally to my CCA secretary. My vice-chairman saw it, and asked me why I never wrote her one. I told her, I will, but it would be so much longer, in that case would you still want it and she replied yes.

In actual fact, I don't even know what I would writing after all.

When I picked up the pen and begin to write, I wrote what I thought of.

Even though sadness overwhelms me whenever I think of the events.
But there will never be tears shed. There's no use in crying after all.
Even if I were to cry, who would understand my tears?
Even if I were to say out loud, who would understand my situation?

I'm just merely a tormented soul lost in a big world. I fear death, but wish for death to come some times. Do you know why?

God, seemingly has no grace for us poor souls.

When I went back to the place which had filled me with horrid memories, I am greatly surprised, that teachers remember us because we had our say in the way we ran our CCA. The teachers were impressed, with what we did and how it turned out to be.

So what? After all, we would merely be buried in time and history for we no longer exists in the school's history.

In that case, why remember?

Though four years were difficult to pass, I have to agree that I'm glad that some good things come out of it after all. Yet, all this good things have come to an end after all:

1) To the friends and 'comrades', everyone would have had a new beginning. As such, surge on forward and do not look back anymore.
2) To the teacher who had faith in us, at least we are no longer a burden to you because you would not have to take charge of us anymore.

Our story, has come to an ending. We exist no more. Thus, move on forward and do not dwell on the past at all. Instead, let me, the foolish one to stay in all this memories.

Because I still have a cause in all these misery. But you don't.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again.

"I'm my own controllor in the way I run my life."

"Shine on this life that's burning out"

Misunderstandings

2004-12-26T22:00:00.000-08:00

One year, two years, three years, four years...

One by one, the years pass. One by one, minutes slipped past me. One by one, people leave me.

Yet, even though I feel sad, I will not hold back these people.

Perhaps one day, I will regret my decision, but I made up my mind. I will let you go. Even if I have to hurt your feelings, I will make you leave.

Because even if you stayed behind, you can still never enter into my world.

It is never hard to let go, because all it takes is to let go of yourself. Hence, I rather be the devil than the angel and hurt all feelings just to get people away from me.

Because even if you stayed behind, there's nothing that would benefit you in the end.

Today, I had a conversation. In it, a certain person told me that I was mean and that there was no such things as good or best friends because we never know what others are thinking.

Strange, don't you think, that she could call me mean when she herself said no one understands what others are feeling. Does she think she knew what I was thinking when I said those words? Or did she merely tried to show off things that I knew long ago, thinking that I do not know them at all?

I can never tell, because I am not her.

Twelve years... That's how long time has been for the two of us, don't you think? Funny, don't you think, that how the path the two of us started out on ended up with so many differences in the end. Yet, we always confide in one another, but those topics never linger for more than two sentences.

Do we really understand each other that we did not want to pain each other?

Or were we merely too busy to care about what the other was thinking?

Two weeks ago, I had been busy, so much so I left a note to say that I would be away till the a week later. In the death of the night on one very tiring day, I received a call that asked me if I was going out on Saturday to a certain event. I was tired, yet I wasn't asleep because I had to wait for my hair to dry. However, the opposite party had not pitied me for my tiredness and instead, thought I was lying to her, and just yesterday, when I asked her if we were meeting up to go out today, her reply was that she was going out with others.

If you wanted to ignore me, tell me so in the face.

I am resigned, to the fate that no one trust me. When people look at me in the eye, what do they really see, I have no idea. When I take a rest because I am tired, people come telling me that I am slacking. When I have never had anything to do with a certain person, people come telling me I have.

Enough.

What makes you think you know me if you say no one knows anyone deeply anyway?

What makes you think you have the right to trample over me just because you think you are high and mighty?

Let me tell you this: You are trash. You can never know me, if that is what you want to know.

Because I rather let wild animals into my life than humans. Humans just do not understand anything at all.

Don't misunderstand me, because no one is almighty.

Not me and definitely not you.

Never want to turn away

2004-11-09T21:45:00.000-08:00

Nanashi mode:

Sometimes, I find it hard to speak.

Hard to speak to those whom I proved to be so dear to me.

Face to face, all I can manage is a smile and answers of no more than one word.

To think about it, that has been the way I have ever been. Perhaps from here on, that will be the way I will ever be. Weaving in through the traffic of humans, there is no way that we will never be seperated from one another.

So much so, that I never want to turn away.

So much so, that I never want to say "Good bye"

Beacause if I am never able to meet you in the future, what use is it for me to say Good bye? What use is it for me since all memories will be erased in the end? What use is it for me...

If you chose to forget me entirely?

Each time I face someone, I ask myself, would I want to greet you and have a talk with you. Yet, each time I greet you, I am never considered to exist at all, hence, I chose to turn around.

Turn around and let my back face you.

Do you know, that I hate the feeling of turning away from you? Do you know, that I hate the feeling of never wanting to see you at all? Just because of the fact...

I hate to see you when you leave.

For each and everyone of us, the sky out there is infinitely high and crystal blue, holding on to all our dreams and our future. Hence, we will venture out and fly, leaving behind one another during one time or another.

That is why, I never want to fly. Yet, when each and every one of you spread your wings to fly, you fly away, far and chasing after your dreams. Fly away, from me.

Fly away... Into your destiny.

Rain

2004-11-04T22:30:00.000-08:00

The rain will never stop.

That's what I believe in.

No matter how heavy the rain is, I prefer to go on with my journey, even though I would be drenched in the end. That's because sadness isn't going to pass with just so short an amount of time.

Do you know, I have grew to hate the feeling when there's rain.

Because with each downpour, I am jerked to realization.

That the sky is crying, just like my heart is.

With each negative emotions that I feel, the dark clouds gather overhead, and soon, rain will begin. So much so that I have grew to hate the rain.

Because I am taken for granted, the rain will never stop.

Though I have convinced myself to give in to others, there's no way in the end that everything would turn out fine. So many times I have tried to start a conversation, but with each talk, they either end in the fact that no one believes me or that they are too busy to even bother with me. While I speak of the truth, people merely think I'm joking and making up stories.

But I'm not.

With the recent advancement in technology, a majority of people owns handphones by now. Nevertheless to say, I own one as well, but the only use for it is...

For others to contact me when they are in deep trouble or they need consultation on things.

I really doubt the purpose of the invention of the phone now. Frankly speaking, how many a times do we really call others to ask about how they are? We only call others when we need thier help.

So much so, I hate the phone. Which is why I seldom answer it.

Because I do not want to face the problem of only being regarded as trash after they are done with.

Hence, my phone shall just lie and die. There's no reason for me to even pick it up or take a look at it.

There's no messages waiting for me anyway, because no one cares to give a damn about me.

As such, why should I even live this lonely and pathetic life?

I might as well die.

Do you know why the sky rains?

2004-11-02T21:30:00.000-08:00

Strange, isn't it? No one has been able to explain the meaning of rain for the entire eternity that humans are alive. Over the years, by and by, all we know about the rain are the scientific ways they form and such, but really, is this the meaning that rain bring about?

I doubt so.

November has already started.

Autumn, has arrived.

Today, I viewed the sky differently.

As I watch the rain drops fall, I suddenly felt a tinge of sadness. The day before, I had allowed myself to be drenched, the cold droplets rolling down my warm skin and falling onto the ground once more.

I feared that feeling.

The coldness. The emptiness.

As I looked out at the sky, I asked myself, what do the sky remind me of now.

The answer that I got was: I want to escape from this sadness.

I saw no reason for this feeling, yet, against all odds, the impression that was left on me was no more than the sky crying.

Crying.

Though I ever so wanted to do that, the will within me forbids it. It's painful, to keep everything bottled up, yet if I ever let any out, the only thing that will happen, will be me bringing problems to my own self.

I do not want anyone to pity me. Neither do I want to pain those around me.

Ironic, isn't it? We humans whine each day, almost at the fact of every single thing, yet here I am, saying that I do not need anyone's pity.

I hate myself. So much more than anything else.

Why, of all things, am I so weak?

Why, of all things, I am such a coward to face others?

I ain't even fit to be called a friend.

Neither do I want others to call me a friend.

In those eyes that call themselves my friend, I see no feeling of kindness, no feeling of friendship.

All I see, is the feeling of impatience, ignorance and unfeeling.

If that is the case, why do you still give me a place in your heart? If there is no need for me to even exist, why don't you just wipe me out from your heart?

All I ever want from anyone who doesn't give a damn about me, is to forget me completely.

But even if you don't do that, there's nothing I do, can I? But there is after all. And that is for me to wipe you out from my heart completely.

Yes. To wipe out all memories entirely.

I'm sorry to say this but, to the one who has been with me for the past 12 years, I want to erase you off from my memory entirely. Whenever I see you, you only remind me of me back in the past. You remind me that the two of us exists in two different worlds which will never meet at all. Just like the north and south pole.

When I look at you, I feel like slapping myself awake.

Yet, I am never able to awake. Because I was never asleep in the first place.

Forgive me... And with my disappearence twenty days later, I wish you all the best.

Acheive what I failed to preserve...

What does it take to make someone believe you?

2004-10-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

Yulia Edenburgh mode:

I remembered saying that I will give them a chance, earlier in the year, way before any nonsense started and now, I am sad to say that they have disappointed me and used up this chance. I will not be giving them any more. That was the last, and they proved nothing to me.

Now, they shall feel my wrath.

I remembered asking a few people: "Why do we humans live?" and never once had I given an answer, but this time, I will. I will show you idiots who think so highly of yourselves why we humans are able to live.

We live, because of the belief we have in those we trust. We live, because there is someone out there who really cares about us besides our family. We live, because there is someone out there who needs us as much as we need them.

This is why, we live.

Yet, pathetically, you mere shrimps are just idling your time away and not living at all.

Because you do not trust us, and neither are you willing to accept the fact that we may know more about you.

Don't you know, that in this world, everything runs on trust? Once trust dissipates, there is nothing left for you to see or feel. You will never understand such feelings if you think that you are omnipotent.

In fact, you will never know this for eternity if you think you are that great.

I dare to dare, dare to fight, dare to dream, dare to feel, but you... You will never feel the feelings I feel because you are just running away, running away from the fact that I can surpass you.

Running from the fact that you will have to chase after me instead.

If that's what you fear, I will make sure it comes true. I will make sure that I my point is made across to you clearly, even if I spend a lifetime. I will make you fall, chasing after my shadow...

I will show you, I'm not one who is to be trifled with.

I will show you, that I exist entirely now because I have seen what I needed to see.

Hence, I will live and run no more.

It's your turn to run now. If you want to get away from me. You can run, but you can't hide.

I know deep down inside that you have deemed that you know me from my appearence, deemed that my character is all written on my face, deemed that I am the person that I portray to be.

Now, I will prove you wrong. I will prove to you, that I exist with my own strength and with my own determination which can never ever be seen.

There is someone who is waiting for me, someone who is willing to fight with me, someone who truly trusts me.

But that person is not you people. So scram off.

If glory and happiness is to be felt, I want only this person to share it with me and no one else.

The day that I thoroughly revive shall be the day you die.

From this day, I will continue to live.

Because I want to let this person feel what happiness is.

I want to let this person know, that she is important to me.

I want to let this person know, that I thank her for trusting me.

Therefore, I will become stronger.

Till the day that I face you people once more, I will continue to get stronger.

And then, I will let you feel my wrath, mine and 'everyone' elses.

Mine and all the others who think alike.

If you do not want to believe in me, that's fine with me, because I do not need your filthy pity on me. There is someone who is willing to believe in me now, someone who I had missed all along even though she stands right before me.

I will teach you, the meaning of living.

The only person who doesn't listen to others, is the weakling herself.

Thus...

"To the impossible, I laugh at you, because you will never understand why I pursue you so much. To those who despise and fear me, you are merely critising your own self because you cannot acheive what I acheive. Ask yourself and you will understand."

All hopes are lost

2004-10-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

To a certain person:

Today, I spent some time alone with you, baring all my feelings for the the first time in four years out in whole. I thank you for listening, and apologize to you for scaring you by crying halfway.

I'm weak, I admit it.

For the first time, I think it's time for me to awake, though all along I'm stuck between the line dividing reality and thoughts.

I want to show them, that I am all that is important to me in the course of my life.

I want to show them, there is no need for me to look for a group of friends to encourage me because...

That group, is always beside me.
And you are one of them.

All these time, I had live my life through the mask of deception. All these time, I have certainly experienced bitterness and unfairness.

But that shall all end. I shall feel no more.

Today, I made myself promise: I will walk down the path that I chose. The path that no one else but I myself chose. No one shall be able to force me, nor shall they be able to make me.

I am the controllor of my life.

I remembered you told me, you have no idea why is it that we are hating everything now. I remembered I told you the reasons, my reasons. I guess by now, you understand partially what goes through my mind each time.

So many words to say, so many feelings to convey, so many hopes being placed in the words I write, yet, no one sees them, and instead, dismisses them as works of writing.

What can I say? I never did allow others to understand me. Perhaps, not ever. Even so, I made myself understands others, which is why I tried my best in understanding you.

Because you are special to me, being one of those that I can really trust my life me.
Because you allowed me to see that at least there is someone on this world that cares about me.
Because you gave me hope, when I had lost all of it with myself.

Never say you are bad at anything, because you are only making it come true by setting your mentality that way. Never say you are worst than me, you are far better. Never say you are afraid to dream, for dreams are the only way that in this havoc times, we can hide and curl up in pain and misery.

I want to make everyone lose hope in me.

I want to make them think I'm a failure.

And then,

I'm going to prove to them how wrong they can be.

I'm going to walk down the path with my strength and my strength alone.

I'm going to walk down the path, with you.

So never give up.

Never give up in your life!

I'll always be there, when you need, as and when.

I will exist, because you gave me the reason to live.

I will live, because I know there will be someone waiting for me, caring for me.

So please, do not think foolish thoughts about being sick so that others will care for you, because just like you, I want people to care for me, and have tried so hard it hurts, so much so I gave it up, but you changed it all.

Will you allow me to believe in you?

Will you allow me to hold on to the thought that you believe in me?

"Becase we have a life that belongs only to us alone, no one should walk it for us but walk it with us. "

That's what I believe in.

Crimson

2004-09-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

Yulia Edenburgh Mode:

...

Can you see what I see?
I doubt you can, after all no one ever does or did.

Can you feel what I feel?
I doubt you can, because no one ever came close to feeling what I feel.

Can you understand what I am feeling now?
Of course you cannot, because no one ever does...

Sixteen years... Four years of which I have spent, drowning myself within myself, killing myself softly over and over again. So many years, so much time... And unlike others who spent it in fun and laughter, I spent it in tears, crying over and over to myself.

Tears which no one but only I could see.
Tears which truly meant how I felt, and not willed by Tenshi.

Seriously, how am I supposed to view mankind? As I look at mankind who they are today, I can't help but think, "Look at this blood-thirsty pack who's constantly back-stabbing one another, and yet they still call themselves friends to others." Are you really serious about our existence on this Earth?

Perhaps you would have said that I'm too young to understand all about the world at my age, perhaps you would have said that I'm just bringing problems to myself, entangling in all these complex thoughts, perhaps...

I am not running away, not now, not forever. I never liked to run away, for only cowards do that.

And that's what your excuses are telling me. That you are a coward, because you chose to run away from such facts even though they are placed before you.

I have forgotten how to run away...
Ever since the day my heart died.

Humans... Why are we such a selfish lot? Why do we have to start things and instead of ending them with our own hands, we expect others to clean up after us? Why do we have to allow other to suffer? Why do we have to envy others, gossiping about them? Why do we have to hold grudges against others when no one in this world is perfect to even start with?

Why are we such a failure as a being?

Please... Leave me in peace if you take me as trash... Just go... I rather be alone than to change myself to accomodate to you.

Ame wa...hontou ni...suteki ne...

Onegai, korosu watashi...Kono bakaero...

Korosu wa......

Apologization

2004-09-16T23:30:00.000-07:00

Roy Maxwell mode:

Gomen nasai, watashi no tomodachi. I cannot keep the promise that we made. No...make it I don't wish to keep the promise that we made. I'm sorry, truly and seriously sorry. I don't deserve you as a friend.

In fact, I don't deserve anyone as a friend. Nor do I deserve to be anyone's friend.

Today, I look at myself in the mirror, and I asked myself, "Why should I have friends?" When I relook at my actions, I can help but smile, tears crying freely in my heart. Yet, no one will ever see it, nor will they feel it, for they are too busy with their life, coop up with trying their very best in everything.

However, I do not even wish to try and work hard.

Yes, I am ruining myself. Literally.

I ask myself, which person with a sane mind wouldn't envy others. I ask myself, which person with a sane mind wouldn't get jealous of others. I ask myself, which person with a sane mind wouldn't hope for the best for him or herself only. I ask myself...

Indeed, I'm the one without a sane mind.

When I see others whom I know doing their best, I feel happy for them. When I see others lost, I motivate them. When I see others sad, I comfort them. When I see others angry, I share their anger.

No, I'm not a noble person nor a saint. Just a misled soul.

When I see their happy faces, see their feelings, I can't help but think, 'Look, they are feeling happiness.' To me, to see the word happy once again would mean that I would be dead. Who's there to give me happiness when I needed it the most? Who's there to share my troubles and my thoughts when I wanted to?

No one...

After a while, everything around you numbs to nothing. After a while, you will see that there's no need to strive for anything, for nothing in the world is perfect. After a while...

You will get tired with life.

How many a times have I reluctantly agreed to requests of others, I cannot remember. Though it pains me to give a firm 'no', there are times which I have seen that there is no need for me at all. After all, I am just a wandering lost soul, walking, wandering in this big, borderless world.

After all, I am never noticed.

I might as well be gone from the face of this world.

Feelings

2004-09-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

Tenshi mode:

Amazing, truly. This body actually feels guilt. I laugh.

A certain person said, "There is less than a month left for you to respect the teachers." I muse.

Actually, I see the need in respecting them. But I do not see the need to perform it.

In my opinion, I hate teachers. Yes, I will truly never want to be one.

Ironic isn't it? Whenever those bugs meet up with problems, the first person they seek to solve after the teachers, is me. And yes, I helped them. So that makes me an idiot. Weird isn't it, how I show others that I'm one who disregards the teachers when I am in school whereas out of it, I am just a mere solemn and quiet person, greeting the teachers when I see them, smiling at them when necessary.

In fact, I only keep quiet when I'm out of school.

Someone once asked me, "Why are you so quiet nowadays?" I took to the defensive, saying that that's because there's no topic for me to talk about, and of course, these words fell onto deaf ears anyway. In actual fact, I do not speak because I see the need to shut myself up. While others are able to open up, I cannot, not because I don't want to, but because no one cares about it. If so, why should I even bother at all?

In the rain, I throw my head back, allowing the droplets of rain to fall onto me. To others, their bodies are so precious that they can't bear to even drench themselves, but to me, I love the feeling of the rain.

The cool clear water which is able to wash away the sins within.

Against the warm skin, the droplets fell, steady and mildly. To make matters even better, with earphone on at a high volume, I am able to completely seclude myself in a world that belongs to me and only me. When others call out to me, I pretend not to hear. When others wave to me, I pretend not to see.

Just because I want a little privacy to myself.

Indeed, I lack the care from others. Yet, I have seen, that comfort need not come from them. There are 'others' which are readily giving the comfort.

Each morning, a certain person would greet 'us'. Without so much more then a call of the pet name, she gives 'us' a hug, in front of many others, not caring if people had the wrong thoughts. Initially, 'we' were all taken aback, but after a while, 'everyone' had to agree that it was needed. Much needed. Though 'we' wanted to return with a deep embrace each time, 'we' held back, because that would have shown the sadness within us all these days. Ironically, 'we' forbid that feeling to ooze out at any one time. That's because we know, no one is willing to share the burden with us...

No one at all.

Thus, we are just lonesome dreamers, fighting for what we believe in, even though we know it's impossible.
Dreamers who are fighting to reach the top. Dreamers who have a motive, the motive to just live. Dreamers who are fighting...

To change fate.

Reasons do not exist

2004-09-12T23:30:00.000-07:00

Roy Maxwell mode:

Saw this off someone I know... Guess this makes things clear about 'us' better.

I'm never an introvert, it's just the fact that no one wants to talk to me that I chose to keep to myself. I have EQ, don't worry, I'm not like what some people commented me to be.
I have a small number of aquiantances in school, introduced mostly by my friends. Of course, I don't really know much about them, and neither do they know about me, so there.
I have a small group of best friends, but we are not very close. They are the best company that I can get, and the reason that I exist in that school, because we made a promise to each other.
Never make me walk behind you. You'll never know when I'll pull off a disappearing act.
Never make me walk in front as well. I'll just blend in with the crowd even before you can say "Eh?"
I am never sneaky. Blame it on the fact that you aren't observant if I every scare you from behind.
I'm just a puppet Chairman. Do not mind me... No one respects me any way.
I'm always misunderstood and unnoticed by everyone. This is the truth. Don't believe, ask yourself.
Skipping lunch is what I do best... Though my appetite isn't small...
How else do you think I can save up?
I'm not a very nice person to push around with. I admit, I allow that.
Next time, it's your life with it.
I don't like people using me. I repeat, don't.
I (or rather, Tenshi) cry very easily. Over almost anything. All except deaths and such. Heck her...
I'm always treated like a problematic student.
How else would you explain for the gazes the staff of the school gives me?
I don't like acting without thinking.
Thinking about the end of an event would be more appropriate to me then plunging in straight away.
I am notorious for my anger... Though recently, being in this stupid school has diminished it greatly.
I'm ultra under-estimated by people... I more than just what you think I am.
Hence, stop bragging about things that you think I do not have.
Unlike a test in the assement book, I do not like to wait. I rather take the initiative.
Yes, I confessed to a guy that I liked him. He did to, not forced though. Things are on hold at the moment. We both agreed studies come first.
I never liked my school. So there.
I work in the night alongside music. Don't believe me? To hell with you then...
I have no idea why I'm studying... There's no motive in it for me.
Talk about guys... What do you want to know about?
No, I do not throw myself onto guys as some people I know do.
I do not have very comprehensive anime data, but yes, I do have some.
No, I do not allow free leeching.
Worst, you should go hang yourself for spoiling my anime discs.
I do not have much mangas. Worksheets fill the 8 over boxes under my bed instead.
How many titles do I have? Too lazy to count. Come over next time and take a look instead.
I do not sleep in my room. Yes, I have one to myself, a bed as well, but no, I do not sleep here.
Instead, I nap here only when I get sleepy from reading.
I have a black office table in here. The computer belonging to my brother which is in my room, is also black. Basically, I only have black, blue, white, brown and pink in this room as colour coordination.
My computer which stores all of my fiction is in my brother's room.
Yes, I'm a writer. A writer for my desires only.
I cannot live without music. Best part: my songs are always looped.
I believe in spirits and such. Though I do have a religion, I really doubt God's being... Gomen... But seriously, I have seen much destructions and deaths than miracles.
I do not see them, but I can feel them. This is not a joke. Laugh at your own risk.
There's a few of them in my school. Seriously. One at the ground floor science lab, one at one of hte upper level toilets, and one at the upper level classroom.
Beer tastes best only when it's a certain brand. Can't remember which though.
Martini and Southern Comfort when added to Coke taste great.
I do not like cigarette smoke. Surprisingly though, I can differentiate the brand just smelling it.
I know more names than the people themselves.
I communicate better in Chinese than I write. I write better in English then I communicate.
I fear certain teachers greatly. After a while though, it doesn't matter.
I always get picked on by the teachers. Surprise surprise.
Conclusion: I'm anti-social.

Sadness

2004-08-27T19:30:00.000-07:00

Shinigami mode:

Two years... Time flies, did you know that? I do not know what you will say, but, I have dedicated two different forms of writing to you, both of which scored average marks in school. 23/30 and 25/30. What you think about it?

Two years... Fast, too fast. That toy is still with me, you know? It accompanies me each night when I go to sleep, together with the toy that you bought for me when I was a baby. Funny, don't you think? That no one believes me when I tell them that I go to sleep with these things. By the first note, they jeer at me, for being so childish. Yet, hiding all signs of sadness, I continue on to tell them that these were bought by you. Only my vice-chair seemed shocked, the other, practically thinks I'm just joking away. Alright, I will let you memories rest in peace now.

I do not understand, really, why I am suffering so much. Something in me just keep urging on, making ridiculous and crazy commands, requesting and asking for weird things. Asking for what purpose you ask. Well, it's two weeks more to my birthday, hence the crazy requests.

Two weeks... Why does my life revolve around this number two?

Yet, I have no wish to grow up at all.

Sigh... Birthday presents... And that's what you people want to know. Fine, here is a list of what I want:
1) Full Metal Alchemist items (eg: Guidebook, HK version)
2) Choker (black)
3) A trenchcoat. Sleeveless
4) A mini-sewing machine
5) My-own-design dress
6) Pocket watch
7) Lolita black trench-coat-like dress
8) Ouroboros necklace
9) An ending to this year

Funny list, you say. I know, seriously, that it's very funny. But do you see my motive behind? No... As usual, you are too blind to see it. Never mind then...

Strange, don't you think, how after seeing death can change a person's view entirely. Very strange. So strange that death can make me see that I hate some people so much I'm already cursing unintentionally.

I need a life. Seriously.

But for now, I will just cry... softly.

Act

2004-08-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

Nanashi mode:

Here I am once more, putting up my false act in front of others. Seriously, I do no know how come I can continue with this, for one, the effort alone is already wearing out, with Shinigami avoiding others so deliberately nowadays. What wrong with her, I do not know as well. Whatever that is biting her is seriously ruffling her up more than any incidents added up altogether.

I need to get out. Fast.

Ironic, really, as to how I was able to live so normally and face everyone with the same bright cheery face each day back in the past, yet, I can only hide in a shell of supeficialness.

I'm so useless... Don't you think so?

Looking back into the past, I cannot help but ask myself time and time again: Why am I looking back? There is no way for the past to repeat itself again. Not now, not forever. Can't I see the point in it at all?

Yet, as I truly remember all the past, I feel the bitterness of it all once more.

The bitterness of unfairness.

Recently, I have met a few of my old schoolmates, all on the way home. Unlike others, who can continue on a conversation for a long long time, I can only merely smile, looking for no conversation to begin.

Did you see that in me when I boarded the bus and you alighted? Or did you think you saw the old me? Can you see that my heart is drowning in despair, wanting to reach out to you who is so far away? Everytime when others speak of liking someone, loving them so deeply and such, I can merely sit and smile, pretending to be absorbing what they are saying with interest.

How long have we last talked, face to face, truly with no boundaries? Four years, that's how long it has been, haven't you notice? Though you exist in my memories, exist in my life now, there is nothing I can do but to block out that memory. You and I both know that weare simply too busy with our own lives to do anything about it.

But do others know about this or even care about this? No... Why should they and how should they? They are merely living in their own world, aren't they? So much so that no one really cares about what I feel at all when I am merely around them all this while.

To this certain person: I hope you get your dreams.
To a certain person who truly allow me to hug: There is so much on my mind that no one understands. Can you see the pain that I am feeling?
To the certain person who creates: Why did you do it?
To those people around me: Do you even think I can call you friends with what you have done?

Future

2004-08-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

Destiny mode:

Two weeks more and counting down... That's how long till the start of the end. Fast, if you ask me, but still, there's are things undone.

Just how am I supposed to get it done when there's so much thoughts and so little time left?

One thing is for sure, I need to get this body working, whether the others like it or not. I can't predict the future for long you know... I've used up the power to create a shell instead. For what use, why should I tell you?

I have only one phrase to say: Get working!

Mischief

2004-08-13T20:30:00.000-07:00

Aires mode:

Friday the thirteen. Hah! I bet everyone is superstitious about today, aren't they? Well well well... Humans are really bored aren't they? Coming up with superstitions and trusting them entirely. Funny, don't you think, that humans are always the ones who are scaring themselves to death.

And they said ghosts were scary. Though I must admit, they are indeed, those that we know nothing off. But still...

This is ridiculous, humans scaring themselves silly.

Don't you think so?

Wish

2004-08-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

Tenshi mode:

Four years... Fours years ago and four years in the present. Now, I have to reask myself what my motive is this time. What my wish is...

My wish? To get on with life same as I did four years back.

Stupid really... As if it matters as to live for years to come.

I don't know, given the circumstances now, whether I should continue living. Maybe being dead like fifteen years ago would be much better than to stand here and face the world and reality.

Sigh... It's tiring being alive... Seeing other so joyful only make 'us' tired...

But oh well, since 'we' are all alive now, 'we' might as well make our time worth it. Don't you think so?

Lastly... my wish... is simply... ..., so I hope that's what you people will acheive.

Can't hear it because your music is on too loud? Ah well...

Past

2004-08-09T08:30:00.000-07:00

Nanashi mode:

The cool breeze ruffled through gently, whispering mischeiviously as I walked through the crowded streets. Seriously, if looks cost, I would have been able to garner a few hundred dollars simply by walking down the streets in my clothes. Not that I feel very comfortable wearing it, but just plainly because I was lazy to change out it, hence, that was where I was, trudging along the streets, taken as a substitute for someone who had no date that day.

Seriously, I don't mind.

Throughout the year with everyone else, I have learnt to see far beyond into the future than just merely dwelling on the past. Yet, even as I look forward to the future, I can't help but turn back and stayed in the past. Though pictures of the past are fading away slowly but surely, something about it had me holding on firmly, ignoring all forms of logic that came with it.

I...live in the past, and hence, love the past.

I remembered the days when the same gentle breeze blew along, bringing soft scents of frangrance from the flowers and fruits. I remembered the days when the sky turned dark, flashes of lightning ahead, bringing on nothing but pure magnificient view as the clouds formed into shapes of tornados. I remembered the days when nothing except pure sadness could be felt, and yet, ther's was always a corner there for you to rely on, more often than none, a shoulder to cry on as well. I remembered...

Beautiful memories that will never come true...

I looked around me as I walked, looked at the world around me, looked at the person that I was accompanying...and sighed...Can I really call this person beside me my friend? Can I really trust this person with even my life? Though it is sad to admit, I must say, I...cannot.

Sometimes, I really wonder where 'we' are all floating to. Past that held our existence seemed to have faded away just as time itself, thus, showing reality that there no such thing as 'us'. Friends that we know in the past, though maintaining on their usual composure towards 'us', seemed only to worsen 'our' feelings within. As I looked on to the jokes and talks among people, I ask myself, why aren't you talking to them? Thus, I willed myself to speak, yet, all that I speak of, turns onto deaf ears. Though it hurts me to even bottle up everything inside, there's nothing more for me to even say about if no one is willing talk. Hence, I would rather keep to myself, rather shut up and start talking to Shinigami and the rest. However...how long am I suppose to keep this up while at the same time keep my sanity? I seriously doubt how I am suppose to even get through this year, let alone live...

There are times, when people tell me to speak, and those are the times which I am more often ruffled up instead. I don't blame them for feeling that I'm stuck-up and such, but it irks me to think that I am merely asked to speak, so as to contribute to what others are too lazy to even think about of. If the only use that I am is for the sake of people gaining from me, and me gaining nothing from them, then may I ask, what use am I being alive? People who call themselves my friends, ask yourself deep inside, each time you face me, are you truly speaking from your heart, hoping to have a conversation with me, or are you merely avioding and hoping that I get lost soon? If your choice is the second one, I rather that you step up and tell me in the face.

I, do not mind being a substitute for others, do not mind that you need my help for things, do not mind almost anything at all, if only you ask from the bottom of your heart. But no one does that nowadays, which is a sad and pathetic thing. In that case, which stance am I suppose to pick up now? The ever-ready subtituition for others, or the cold and emotionless being who doesn't care less?

I don't mind being an anti-social being, for I'm already living that way.

You people made me who I am...

It doesn't matter anymore...

Silence

2004-08-06T22:00:00.000-07:00

Shinigami mode:

Silence. Darkness. Throughout the entire journey, I saw nothing more than pure blackness and pure peace. An irony really, for my life is really filled with nothing more than anger, anguish and fear.

Yes, I fear. I fear greatly.

It's an irony really, as to what the mind thinks, the mind sees, and the mind feels all contradict one another. A pity though, for I would have liked it if I wasn't so wishy-washy about things. Maybe I should have took control of every single situation, making my firm stand about it, but no... I allowed Yulia and Nanashi to take over most of the time, choosing to stay in the dark, hiding, running away, escaping...

Drowning myself in the face of reality in my own thoughts.

I told myself before, that I would never try to kill, though in my blood, the blood of a killer runs deep. I never truly understand though, why I had made myself promise to myself that I will never kill, no matter how much I really wish for the person to be dead. Of all the things that I could remember, the only reason as to why I never wanted to kill was: 'Someone would be sad over the death.'

Pathetic... I don't see anyone being sad about my death.

Ironic isn't it, that I came out with such a reason for not killing, while no one really followed that kind of reasoning on me. What am I really, you ask. A substitute. A comfort zone. A glass component.

I never truly exist in the eyes of human.

The only use that I have, is for humans to make use of me. Yet, even though it bothered me, the rest, being soft-hearted idiots, didn't even care. To them, forgiving is always the case, but to me, hatred runs deep within my veins, swarming me with age-long rememberance of the matter.

I can never forgive. Not now, not forever.

Turmoil

2004-08-04T23:00:00.000-07:00

Yulia Edenburgh mode:

Hair dripping wet from my bath, I sat down by the computer, listening to the looped song 'Rewrite'. Pity, since there's no other song that is able to fit with how I'm feeling now. The room, being in an even untidier mess than it was before, still laid untouched, even I don't even know when I'm going to clear it. Least it doesn't matter what state it's in any way. Smoke arising, swirling in neat white circles, the lit object stayed where it was, as I flung my head back against the computer chair and wondered.

Wondered where the hell I am and who the hell I am.

Recounting all incidents that had happened so far from the start of secondary school, it makes me wonder just what destiny is playing around with me. Throughout my life, how many times have I brushed with the school rules and Death? How near could I get to the Law as well? How near am I really to even standing up to the school? Funny though, how I'm viewed by people so weirdly throughout all these years. All these four years to be exact.

I hate this.

It hurts to even think about where I'm drifting from and drifting to into the future, so much so I have given up on it. Nanashi wanted comfort though, even when all of us; me, Shinigami, Tenshi and Nanashi Shinigami, all decided that we would rather keep it bottled to ourselves. Great action though, thanks to Nanashi, now people in the school may start thinking that 'we' aim for people of the same gender. Heck...I'm straight, and so is the rest, though what goes on on their minds amuses me sometimes too.

Man, am I weak indeed...

One more chance. I have decided to put all my bet on this last chance. Though what outcome may occur, I am not sure, but Nanashi and I decided that it would be best if we gave them a chance. The Fuhrer isn't the highest rank you know, it's the people who are of the bottom rank which are the highest. Only time will tell, I guess, though how long a time, I have no idea.

No idea at all...

Though something tells me truly...

I would not like this ending afterall...

Cold...

2004-08-02T19:30:00.001-07:00

Roy Maxwell mode:

The water dripped from the ceiling, so noisily that I awoke, grouchy and reluctant.

'Great...It's Monday morinng, and it's raining. What next? I have to get my ass to school and go through it till god knows what time.'

Ah well, thank god I had set two alarm. Seemingly, my watch fell asleep somehow and didn't ring. The caribiner watch didn't, thankfully. Guess I should go buy a clock for myself some day... Exactly when, I don't know, so don't ask me.

After dragging myself out of bed and freshened up, I trudged to the kitchen, only to find that there's no milk. 'Hey... This ain't funny you know...' Ah, well... That's bread and plain water for my breakfast.

Hence, I went to school, water still dripping wetly from all directions. Potted plants were blown in a disarray, though it didn't bother me at all. They weren't mine to start with.

Nothing interesting seems to go on in school though, ironically, even though I am surrounded with more people. Bleah... Guess keeping to myself is still the best... One amusing thing though... The Physics teacher suddenly went 'mad' issuing commands for various weird items. I didn't mind though, not that I had everything. The only thing was, that I was sitting near the back, playing fake still works as seen from her angle.

Thus, that's how I got past the school hours. The official school hours. Off to lunch, though that took ten minutes before we decided on where to eat at. Went there, eat, and off we go, amusing ourselves with interesting topics on 'airports', as well as a minor squeak from a certain person when a car came.

Funny. Really funny.

Got back to school and began to do the various stretching for the fitness test. Lame components seriously, wish someone would go say it's wasting time, but of course, no one does. At least, till now. Off to five stupid stations we go, interesting events happening along the way between us, and the teachers. Amusing, as usual.

Shuttle run. Interestingly interesting. Went to the only male teacher, because he was the best in giving the timing. Just like what one of the teachers in charge of othe tests had previously said, encouragements are needed. Hence, the encouragements are as followed:

"Shao Wei is coming!! Quick!! You can't catch him with this speed you know!"
"There's a dog behind you! Run!! It's catching up!"
"Your brother is chasing you from behind! He's gaining up! Ahhh!!!"
"If you can run within ten seconds, I will sponsor you money to open a store."
"There's a car behind you! Run faster!"

Though whether or not these made us run faster, I had no idea, though the last one was a complete failure. Yet, at least these provided the teachers with some entertainment, it still worked...as a form of amusement.

I rest my case, for now.